Posts Tagged ‘damp’

It’s been strange ever since we won the Liebster award: we’ve had more people coming over but still no one’s got a clue as to what we do here at the mindstuff shop.

This is the place you come to for ideas.

But I can say that until I’m blue in the face, trouble is, no one listens these days. Take this lot over here, staring at the damp on the wall. They’ve been like that for nearly half an hour. Steve (the damp patch) is getting the right hump, it’s been a hard first week partying at Uni and he’s trying to catch up on some sleep:

Steve is normally ‘happy-go-lucky’

TUTOR:
I’ve never seen a Banksie like it, it’s almost three dimensional, dark and furry. The figure itself appears very angry. Opinions?

STUDENT #1:
It’s uncanny how the leery smile on it’s face seems to follow you round the room.

STUDENT #2:
Almost like it’s laughing at us.

TUTOR:
True genius, and look over here: these stacks of tupperware boxes, the neat rows, the regimentation – just like Carl Andre’s bricks at the Tate.

ME:
Can I help you?

TUTOR:
Tell me, what do these boxes represent?

ME:
A lifetime’s hard work; over here we’ve got memories, those are thoughts and on the other side is mainly ideas.

STUDENT #2:
You keep ideas in plastic boxes?

ME:
Yes, they’d go off otherwise.

TUTOR:
Thinking out of a box! Of course! Oh, I’m trying to get my head round this concept but my mind… my mind is literally blown.

ME:
Well I can get you something for that if you want.

TUTOR:
An ‘Idea warehouse’: such a post-ironic statement, I love everything about it: the bleak railway arch feel, this whole concept has a distinct touch of the Warhol’s.

ME:
Alright! Admittedly, there’s a home-made feel to the place but there’s no need to be rude about it.

STUDENT #2:
What’s in this big black rubber box here? Top secret?

ME:
That’s only for use in emergencies.

STUDENT #1:
Can we have a look?

ME:
Is it an emergency?

STUDENT #1:
No.

ME:
Then you’ve got your answer.

STUDENT #1:
Can we take a souvenir?

ME:
What free? We can’t just give everything away.

STUDENT #2:
Is that an original Banksie on the wall?

ME:
No, it’s original damp and it’s trying to get some sleep. Look, this is a shop, you’re supposed to buy something.

TUTOR:
PAH! just another case of commercialism destroying Art.

ME:
Look, how would you like it if I came round your house, wandered about a bit, looked through all your stuff and just asked loads of daft questions? We’ve all got to earn a living somehow.

TUTOR:
How the hell did this place win an award? Right everybody, file out, let’s go. There’s more interesting blogs than this one to go to.

ME:

(??????????)

The cheeky thieving so-and-so’s, they’ve stolen the punchline.

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The ‘like’ button,
not the arrow.

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A lot of people have been sceptical about my abilities this week, well, I’m not a scientist – I can only tell you what I know about this business in layman’s terms – I don’t know how it works, I just know how to work it.

What qualifications do you need to be run a mind business?
I didn’t go to college and have formal training, there is no course that teaches this sort of stuff. I’m not claiming to be an expert but what I do have is 25 years experience – I can strip down a memory, clean it up and put it back together again in less than a minute.

red fox

Often maligned, the red fox
(photo by USFWS courtesy of weforanimals.com)

So you’re the best person to contact?
The information revolution is still in its infancy, it’s like the Wild West out there. People are right to be wary. That’s exactly why I started up the shop, it looks more professional.

Speaking of opening the shop, that bloody paint smell is still the first thing that hits you when you walk through the doors – not the best welcome. Now science has proven that smells are closely linked to memories, that is, aromas can evoke recall. Smells are an aide memoire.

I don’t know why it’s become a French term, I suppose it sounds better than memory aid which could be confused for a fizzy thought drink. I’d like a vodka and memoryade please – woah! enough of those and you would need an aide memoire.

Anyway, what was I on about? Yes, the paint smell – it has the same intoxicating effect – gawd knows what chemicals we’re breathing in. Mind you, Jeff in the paint shop was right, there’s no sign or smell of that damp patch anymore and the walls are looking nice.

Do you actually make any money?
There’s supposed to be some adverts arriving here soon, to brighten the place up as well as help pay for all this set-up, and the price of the paint. I’m sure Jeff overcharged us, I should have a chat to him about that but the Boi tells me he’s on holiday, somewhere in the Carribean.

All those air miles are not going to help with his carbon footprint which reminds me of the original selling point to this post…

mind clearance service

Mind Clearance Offer
Being a green eco company we now also care about the environment. To help save the planet further we are offering you to take a chance – sorry, I mean – a chance to take advantage of our clearing service. If you want to free your mind of old ideas, empty out the tired memories, idle thoughts, we’ll take them off your hands for a small and highly competitive fee.

One last thing…
We are open during normal business hours. Deliveries ‘aat back’ only. Please don’t leave stuff by the front doors when we’re closed. The foxes will get it.

mind stuff logo

A lot of people said to me, “You ain’t going to get a harrods’ queue outside your gaff.” Well guess what? When I turned up this morning there was some bloke in a suit sleeping by the door. Colourful pattern on his tie (and all down his shirt). He couldn’t remember anything so I sold him some late night memories, put him in a cab and sent him off home. First happy customer.

Time waits by Arlington Grey

“Time Waits” by Arlington Grey (1985)
Art on the walls makes a place classy, but
the damp has made this one go all blurry.
I don’t suppose that matters too much with
the abstract stuff.

So, all you cynics and disbelievers – especially ‘biker squid’ down the pub – contrary to your opinions, it looks like the blog’s working and we’re generating interest in the shop.

Are you open then?
We opened the doors today for the first time, I know what you’re thinking, it’s two days before he said he was going to open, I know, I know, there is a reason: we’ve got a damp problem and can’t get the paint to dry. So we had to open the doors. Admitted, the shop ain’t ready, it stinks of damp and wet paint and there’s stuff all over the place – I won’t lie, it looks a mess – but I said to the Boi: the mind business is not all about gloss and glamour, you take it as you find it. Which reminds me, a lot of people are still asking me:

How do you get to your shop?
It’s dead easy, you come out the station, turn right – as if you’re going down towards the main drag – just before you get to the market, hang a left and bang! You’re standing right in front of us.

Anyway, this damp patch looks like some black furry monster trying to squeeze through the brickwork but don’t let that put you off. The Boi’s been trying to paint it over with this new stuff that Jeff down the paint shop reckons will work. At that price Jeff I could have sent the damp patch to the Carribean for an holiday, all-inclusive. Probably would have had a better chance of drying the furry monster out as well.

We lost a fair bit of stock through the water damage.

Can water damage my thoughts and ideas?
Yes, obviously. Only sorrows float.

How can I keep my ideas fresh?
That’s really a secret of the trade but let me just say – cardboard boxes don’t work.

A lot of people aren’t aware that most ideas are only good for a certain period of time – once an idea goes bad you have to get rid of it, i.e. completely destroy it. Since the legislation of the 90s, bad ideas can’t go straight into landfill, that’s illegal, you have to bring them to recognised dealers such as ourselves. We run a clean shop here, that is, once we’ve tidied up and got ourselves straight.

What is that smell and why is it affecting my thoughts?
That’ll be the paint. It’s still drying. Don’t touch the screen until I’ve checked the label.

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