What a great idea!

Posted: August 16, 2012 by Harry Moonbeam in Early days yet...
Tags: , , , ,

The shop of Mindstuff is not working, the marketing’s all wrong; the customers aren’t buying. When customers stop buying they stop being customers and revert to being just people. A shop full of people is no good to anyone – unless you’re into human trafficking which we are definitely against. So how can we convert people into paying customers? That was a bona fide question to anyone out there, because we don’t know the answer.

idea warehouseAnyway, we flung ideas at a wall and saw what stuck. For starters, we tried advertising ourselves as:

‘The Idea Warehouse’.

Yeah, that was a good one. I taped some of our customer encounters (for training purposes, of course).

Have a listen:

Tape hiss – 

Door bursts open, customer runs in.

CUSTOMER #1
Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. Oh my god! Where are the crowds? They’ve all gone. I’m too late! Is this all you have left, clear plastic boxes? Where’s the furniture?

ME 
(Oh not another one.) It’s ‘IDEA’ madam, ‘IDEA’!  This is the ‘IDEA’ Warehouse.
We sell ‘IDEAS’.

CUSTOMER #1
Are they flat-packed?

ME
No, they come in these boxes.

CUSTOMER #1
But they look empty.

ME
I can assure you they are full of ideas.

CUSTOMER #1
I have cash, I need to buy something. What’s in this big funky rubber box here? It says:
‘Top secret’?

ME
Ah, well this is very special, inside this box madam, is something that was developed during the second world war as a rapid response to the threat of alien invasion. Of course it was never used.

CUSTOMER #1
Does it work?

ME
You could be the first to find out.

CUSTOMER #1
Hmm. I was really looking for something a bit more modern.

Door bursts open, another customer runs in, interrupting the sale.

CUSTOMER #2
Do you have the Smoer de bo de bo or the Fykkstakk?

ME
Are you aware you have just insulted me massively in Swedish?

CUSTOMER #2
I’m so sorry, I really had no idea what I was saying. I’ll come back when I’m fluent.

ME
Fykk… Now where’s the other customer gone?

CUSTOMER #3
You, shop boy! Is everything reduced?

ME
Yes, sir. Can I interest you in…

CUSTOMER #3
I’m not sure. Are they guaranteed?

ME
About as much as anything these days. They are exceptionally good value.

CUSTOMER #3
I’d have to check on the comparison site.

ME
Well how about…

CUSTOMER #3
Hmm. Are they foreign?

ME
All of our stock is qual…

CUSTOMER #3
It’s all a bit tacky.

ME
…ity. I’ll go and make some tea.(Talk about hard to please!)

CUSTOMER #3
What are these?

ME
Oh, nothing you’d be interested in, ‘Impulsive notions’. I wouldn’t open…

CUSTOMER #3 opens the lid and sniffs in hard.

CUSTOMER #3
I’ll take the lot.

ME
Wait, where you going?

CUSTOMER #3
I need a tattoo. Of a unicorn.

ME
But you haven’t paid for those.

CUSTOMER #3
Here’s five hundred.

ME
I haven’t got change…

CUSTOMER #3
Keep it. I must get my head shaved. Bye!

ME
Use the door!

Big crash of glass as Customer #3 leaps through the window.

ME
We so nearly made a profit. Oh well, back to square one. Where’s that idea bucket?

Tape hiss – Boo!


The morale of this story is low.

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Comments
  1. I might need an idea box myself! Sound like a fun fun thing to have.
    The idea warehouse sounds clever! It needs to be there in the real world.

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