Archive for August, 2012

A week without the sun

Posted: August 31, 2012 by Harry Moonbeam in holiday
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holiday postcardPostie’s just been again – got another postcard from the Boi. This time he wrote something on it. I thought the others were a bit cryptic.

At least someone’s talking
to me. Sort of…

Apparently the Euro crisis is getting so desperate over there that they’re taxing sentences. So, it’s best to leave them unfinished.

Since I said – “ask me anything.” and keep it clean, no one has said a thing to me apart from those trying to sell me Spam. I don’t buy pork derivatives.

I’ll just sit here and
wait to harvest the
vegetable comments.

Put your vegetable questions in the harvest festival comment box and I’ll drag something out of my answer box for you.


Getting away from it all

Posted: August 30, 2012 by Harry Moonbeam in holiday
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la CaletaOkay, the postman’s been again – delivering another postcard reminding me I’m the only one not on holiday.

Just me and my thoughts.

Yesterday, when I said – “ask me anything.”
I meant keep it clean.
I can’t repeat any of
them questions.

I’ll just sit here and
wait then.

Put your clean questions in the comment box and I’ll drag something out of my answer box for you.


Avez-vous la guelles de bois?

I wish someone was here…

Posted: August 29, 2012 by Harry Moonbeam in holiday
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The Boi’s gone off to Spain – get some rays, he says.

It seems like everyone has gone on holiday, even the annoying one who does the questions to these posts has taken a few days off.

Just me then.

I’m lost, there’s no one to talk to…

Wait, what about you lot?

Go on then, once in a lifetime opportunity – ask me anything.

Put your questions in the comment box and I’ll drag something out of my answer box for you.

Avez-vous la guelles de bois?


Posted: August 23, 2012 by Harry Moonbeam in Early days yet...
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I come across this box of last minute thoughts yesterday. Highly effective stuff, very useful for all sorts of last minute situations such as leaving the house or going on holiday. You know, statistically, if it wasn’t for the last minute most things wouldn’t get done. Which is why these last minute thoughts are essential for husbands and boyfriends on a Christmas shop. We’re even doing a special offer on a guide to the petrol stations of the world (that are open
Christmas Eve). Very handy.

great idea

Hang on a minute lads, I’ve got a great idea.

Oh, so you made it then?

Sorry ’bout that, something came up last minute. What are we on today, health & safety isn’t it?
No, I decided to do something different.

Why isn’t there a lid to this this box?
I dunno, I asked the Boi to find one but for some reason he’s left it open, lord knows why, he’s had all morning.

Ah! that will explain why he gave me these on his way out.
A tea tray and a flimsy elastic band? That’s never going to work. Putting a makeshift lid like that on a heavy box like
this; even securing it with the elastic band, is not going
to make this box secure – anything could fall out. Just like this…

Remember to bend from the legs!
Aw gawd! Me back’s gone, I’ve dropped the box and everything’s spilled on to the floor. I can’t move. No, don’t touch them, I told you those last minute thoughts are highly effective, you can’t let them come into contact with your skin. Get the special thought hoover…

There is no hoover, we’ve only just sent the order in.
Oh crumbs.

In less than sixty seconds you’ll be surrounded by last minute thoughts.
Stand back, it’s alright, I can take it, I’ve had a good life.

Last minute thoughts can’t kill you, can they?
No, not really but the stress of having them can. Here they come. Aargh!!!

Don’t worry, you’re not going anywhere.
I know, where’s the passports? What time’s the plane leave? Who’s got the tickets? Is it 2 or 3 hours earlier we have
to be at the airport? What if it’s raining? Has anyone seen my car keys? I thought you’d organised a babysitter,
hadn’t you?

You’re worrying me. What can I do to help you?
Yellow roses or the dry flowers that have been dyed a mushy lilac colour for an anniversary? Are BBQ charcoal briquettes the must-have birthday gift for any woman? How can you have run out of chocolates, it’s christmas?
What do you mean you don’t gift wrap, I can’t give her the spark plugs in just their bubble-pack, can I? What have I done with my life? Where did the last twenty years go? I’m slipping away. What’s that bright white light I can see on the ceiling?

Oo-er, crikey!
I repaint.

Don’t you mean repent?
No, I changed my mind, last minute.

Avez-vous la guelles de bois?

What a great idea!

Posted: August 16, 2012 by Harry Moonbeam in Early days yet...
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The shop of Mindstuff is not working, the marketing’s all wrong; the customers aren’t buying. When customers stop buying they stop being customers and revert to being just people. A shop full of people is no good to anyone – unless you’re into human trafficking which we are definitely against. So how can we convert people into paying customers? That was a bona fide question to anyone out there, because we don’t know the answer.

idea warehouseAnyway, we flung ideas at a wall and saw what stuck. For starters, we tried advertising ourselves as:

‘The Idea Warehouse’.

Yeah, that was a good one. I taped some of our customer encounters (for training purposes, of course).

Have a listen:

Tape hiss – 

Door bursts open, customer runs in.

Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. Oh my god! Where are the crowds? They’ve all gone. I’m too late! Is this all you have left, clear plastic boxes? Where’s the furniture?

(Oh not another one.) It’s ‘IDEA’ madam, ‘IDEA’!  This is the ‘IDEA’ Warehouse.
We sell ‘IDEAS’.

Are they flat-packed?

No, they come in these boxes.

But they look empty.

I can assure you they are full of ideas.

I have cash, I need to buy something. What’s in this big funky rubber box here? It says:
‘Top secret’?

Ah, well this is very special, inside this box madam, is something that was developed during the second world war as a rapid response to the threat of alien invasion. Of course it was never used.

Does it work?

You could be the first to find out.

Hmm. I was really looking for something a bit more modern.

Door bursts open, another customer runs in, interrupting the sale.

Do you have the Smoer de bo de bo or the Fykkstakk?

Are you aware you have just insulted me massively in Swedish?

I’m so sorry, I really had no idea what I was saying. I’ll come back when I’m fluent.

Fykk… Now where’s the other customer gone?

You, shop boy! Is everything reduced?

Yes, sir. Can I interest you in…

I’m not sure. Are they guaranteed?

About as much as anything these days. They are exceptionally good value.

I’d have to check on the comparison site.

Well how about…

Hmm. Are they foreign?

All of our stock is qual…

It’s all a bit tacky.

…ity. I’ll go and make some tea.(Talk about hard to please!)

What are these?

Oh, nothing you’d be interested in, ‘Impulsive notions’. I wouldn’t open…

CUSTOMER #3 opens the lid and sniffs in hard.

I’ll take the lot.

Wait, where you going?

I need a tattoo. Of a unicorn.

But you haven’t paid for those.

Here’s five hundred.

I haven’t got change…

Keep it. I must get my head shaved. Bye!

Use the door!

Big crash of glass as Customer #3 leaps through the window.

We so nearly made a profit. Oh well, back to square one. Where’s that idea bucket?

Tape hiss – Boo!

The morale of this story is low.


Posted: August 9, 2012 by Harry Moonbeam in Early days yet...
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Boy, oh boy, it looks like the world’s in a right old state. How did we get into such a mess? Nobody’s got any new ideas, have they? Except for us! We got some cheap imported Mindstuff from the Far East the other day. I tried it out for myself, it’s alright as it happens.

Why does the box say ‘Ear nest’?
Earnest – B.N. Earnest – that’s the name of the import company. Now what can I interest you in? How would you like to see things differently?

Could you understand any of this imported Mindstuff?
What? Don’t tell me you’re thinking it’s all wise old proverbs and sayings specific to that region’s culture thus making it too obscure for Western minds?

bottled happiness

Who says you can’t bottle it?

No, I meant was there a language barrier?
Oh no, no, no, no, no, noo! You see, this is where most people make the wrong assumption too: most thoughts are common across the human race. For example, take happiness; well, you don’t get English happiness,
Brazilian happiness or Ukrainian happiness, do you? It’s basically happiness, the same goes for love, anger, sadness, etc.

Wow, so thought really is universal?
I wouldn’t go as far as to say universal – we haven’t had the pleasure of experiencing alien thinking yet, as far as we know. Let’s stay safe with thought is global’.

So the only difference between local Mindstuff
and the Far Eastern Mindstuff is price?
Well yes and no, sort of. There is an exchange rate. It’s about 2:1 at the moment.

In whose favour?
It’s hard to tell all I know is that it’s in our interest to try and achieve parity.

So the more we think like others the closer we will get to achieving global harmony?
Don’t be too hasty there, you have to be careful which ‘others’ you’re going to think like. And you should try and maintain a bit of individuality. You’re not getting this, are you? Look, easiest thing, why don’t you try some?

Nothing has changed. I think…
Therefore you is…

I feel odd.
Okay, some of these ideas will seem a bit strange when taken out of context but you do get this lovely exotic feeling using these thoughts, similar to the way you feel all cosmopolitan going on foreign holidays. It’s all down to perspective: do you know, that in the Far East, they consider us to be located ‘in the Far East’.

Aren’t we considered the Western World?
Well, obviously it depends which way you’re looking. For example, if you were at the North Pole, every direction you looked in would be South.

Including upwards?
No, that would be North. Why did you have to go and spoil the analogy?

I can’t help it, it’s the way I’m thinking now.
“The mind once expanded can never return to its original size.”
What have I done?

“The mind once expanded…” quote is a variation
of Oliver Wendell Holmes’ original.


Posted: August 2, 2012 by Harry Moonbeam in Early days yet...
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You should get yourself an umbrella with all this rain, you’re physically soaked.

It’s better than being mentally drained. Now, tell me about your childhood…
Is this an interview or have you suddenly become a psychiatrist?You do know that psychiatrists reckon they still don’t know what 90% of the brain is used for – rubbish! It is human nature to fill things up. How many people do you know that have got a cupboard that is only half-full? If there’s room to store things, we will.

Are you implying that we do use the full capacity of our brains?
Every last neuron.

But there’s billions of them, how can we possibly know so much?
Now there’s the thing, see, because we do actually take in and remember all the information that we see / hear / smell / touch / taste (and that sixth sense) around us but the problem we just can’t process it all. It’s all still up there, in your head, but you just don’t know how to access it.

changing childhood memory

This is not an umbrella!
– childhood memories can change with time

But you do?
Naturally. I’m the one with the shop seliing ideas
and the like…

So the brain is like a big damp warehouse?
Yes, with stuff all over the place but you aren’t able to employ enough staff to sort it out. And some of the mindstuff at the edges touches the walls, gets damp and goes a bit wonky – that’s how we misunderstand things, some call it warped ideas – well, you should discard those thoughts and concentrate on the good stuff but there’s too much of it. With the sheer amount of raw information we store, no wonder the mind becomes overwhelmed. Stuff naturally gets lost – and that, my friend, is how we forget things.

So the bits we remember are neat and tidy?
Yes, if you can recall it you know exactly where it is in your mind, all labelled up nicely.

And the bits we’ve forgotten just disappear?
No, it’s still in your head somewhere, you can’t get rid of it. I’m no scientist but basic physics states that energy cannot be destroyed, it just changes into something else.

Like what?
I dunno, it just gets jumbled up. That’s why old people get confused; if you’re trying to recall a childhood memory and all you can conjure up is a definition of an umbrella you’re going to have trouble communicating, aren’t you?

Yes, obviously.
That’s why it’s good to keep the mind active – move your thoughts about. If all the old thoughts just get new ones dumped on top, pretty soon you’re going to build up a heap of stuff you’re never going to be able to understand. And it doesn’t go away. The thought process works just like geology.

You mean ideas rock?
No, metamorphic rocks. All those childhood memories buried at the bottom of the pile are going to be under a lot of heat and pressure from the later ones stacked on top. Every child knows that from geography classes that heat plus pressure over time equals change – metamorphosis – that is why when you go searching for that childhood memory, all you can come up with is the definition of an umbrella, because it’s changed.

Right. It’s started raining again. Have you got an umbrella I could use?
Did I ever tell you about the time when I was a kid..?