Posted: May 10, 2012 by Harry Moonbeam in Early days yet...
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Biker Squid’s gone belly-up: that is in a financial, and not physical, manner – he’s the only bloke down the pub who hasn’t got a beer-belly. Come to think of it, Biker Squid’s the only bloke down the pub who isn’t a bloke – he’s a squid – I don’t know how he keeps that leather jacket on and don’t ask me how he gets served, although I suppose that’s down to the landlord, Godfrey – we’re all equal in his eyes, as long as we got the money. And Biker Squid’s loaded.
Or was.

What happened to his fortune?
This is the Biker Squid who made the millions, and more, from the printed internet phenomenon. In a way, he deserved it – it was his idea after all, but from the outset I could see it had trouble written all over it – a bad idea waiting to turn sour, but who’s going to listen to a lowly scrap mental merchant (with over 25 years experience) who runs a pokey shop when you got someone with eight arms handing out cash left, right and centre.

Did he give it all away?
Biker Squid weren’t one of these multi-billionaires who was tight with their money, never shook hands with people and only used disinfected toilet paper. No, being a creature of the sea, he liked to splash the cash. Generous he was. He didn’t really have any need for money but that didn’t stop him from making it. His aim was to generate enough wealth to buy everyone in the world a drink.

At six billion people, that’s a lot of money and would be the biggest round anyone had ever got. Biker Squid got so wrapped up in his generosity scheme that he took his big eye off the financial ball for too long. To be honest, he was losing interest anyway. He’d already fallen into the celebrity trap – believing his own publicity. Biker Squid tried to break into films but the camera didn’t suit him, couldn’t even get a tv part, nor did he have the face for radio – the most he was offered was a bit part in a book.

Can money buy happiness?
Well, his empire was snowballing with success. The demand for his printed internet magazines kept the presses running 24/7 which didn’t matter because he owned the print shop as well. What did matter was the raw materials – paper, ergo trees.

The infamous ‘SPAM’ issue was
overloaded with junk mail

The biggest market for the magazines was amongst the indigineous village peoples of the rainforest. They had to chop down the trees; to make the paper; to print the internet magazine on; which forced the peoples off the land and into homes that actually had an internet connection which meant the magazine was useless. The whole thing was like the legend of the snake eating its own tail.

Couldn’t he have taken advice?
At this point, Biker Squid weren’t listening to anyone, he weren’t one of those multi-zillionaires that had economic advisors, pampering PAs and spiritual gurus to clean his aura – no, he did everything himself. You could say his vision was clouded by success and it was the ‘Spam’ issue that finally led to the magazine folding. Just the sheer amount of paper needed to print all those needless ads and emails. Shocking.

That was the tipping point?
The tipping point was when Biker Squid heard they were cutting down areas of rainforest the size of whales, because being a squid, he ain’t too keen on whales. It’s not that he’s scared of them, no – for an invertebrate, Biker Squid’s quite hard and he’s the only one I know who’s been tattooed with his own ink – no, he just hates whales. Being a squid means he’s impetuous.

But isn’t whale song beautiful?
He especially hates the singing, all whales think they can sing, just ‘cause they sold a few CDs. You get them in a karaoke bar you can’t get them out again, and the songs just go on and on and on – the sound travels for miles.

Up yours! Biker.

Plus, it’s not the sort of thing you want to hear when your business empire is collapsing all around you. Biker Squid had had enough, he did what any citizen would do – he called the police.

This was how the current world troubles began?
That’s how the bubble finally burst: you got the rainforest in tatters, with the indigineous peoples all hooked on booze and living in houses they don’t want, the whales are in trouble and I think that’s how the world got into recession
– Biker Squid spent all the money down the pub.

Where is he now?
We don’t see a lot of him these days, he pops up now and again. Rumour has it he’s living in a bedsit above the fish and chip shop but his luck’s changed because he’s got a role as a supporting character in a blog.

Can’t we sue him?
I don’t think blaming one individual is going to help matters. Leave him be.

What we should be more concerned about is what happened to these bad ideas. With all this cost-cutting taking place all over the globe, these austerity measures – I bet the governments ain’t disposed of these bad ideas properly. You know what that means:

It will all happen again.

If you missed Biker Squid’s original idea you can catch-up here.

  1. Shimky says:

    “…and the songs just go on and on and on – the sound travels for miles.”

    Hilarious stuff!! Writing of the highest order. You, my dear sir, are a keeper! :O)

  2. Couple funny lines in here, Moonbeam (I found you through my post on funny one-liners). ‘scrap mental’–hehe.

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