Archive for May, 2012

THERE ARE MORE QUESTIONS THAN ANSWERS…

Posted: May 30, 2012 by Harry Moonbeam in Early days yet...
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‘There are more questions than answers’ sang Johnny Nash in 1972. The 70s, a different era then, usually dismissed today as ‘less enlightened times’, as if they were bloody medieval or something. Personally, I’d say the 70s were the more optimistic times because it was an age of innocence – there really were more questions than answers, it was a fact – I know, I was there. But then came the information revolution and suddenly we had answers for everything.

They say the 70s were to blame
for bad taste.

Isn’t that progress?
You would have thought so, because people were ticking off lists, drawing lines under things, finally the human race could ‘move on’ intellectually.

But, as the saying goes, ‘a little information can be a dangerous thing’: just because you’ve got answers, doesn’t necessarily mean they’re right.

We were told the wrong answers?
In fairness it depends on what the real question was. What you’ve
just said is more of a statement with the intonation rising at the end
of the sentence.

The question was, and still is: Were we told the wrong answers?
Which is my point exactly. If you don’t ask a proper question, how can you expect a proper answer? People were so greedy to know all the answers that they didn’t really listen to the questions; that’s how we ended up in this state.

How can we tell if you’re telling the truth?
I’ve got proof – The Boi uncovered a load of half-arsed answers ‘aat back’. To begin with we thought we only had initial answers but then came a flood of educated guesses, stab-in-the-dark attempts, clutching at straws and some hesitant answers we weren’t sure what to do with.

What did you do?
Well, everything was all mixed up so we had to separate the answers out into short ones, long ones, best ones, worst ones, good ones, bad ones, flakey ones and shaky ones, the quick-fire answers and the plain old totally wrong answers – that’s a lot of answers to get through, we’re short of space as it is.

What use is a totally wrong answer?
Everything has a value, except maybe for those that the Boi left stacked up against the wall overnight. That bleeding damp! But he reckons he can dry them out on the radiator.

Isn’t the cost of ethical disposal prohibitively high?
As I’ve said before you can’t just chuck these things away, they won’t biodegrade by themselves, as Bob Dylan hinted: ‘The answer my friend is blowing in the wind.’ That’s right Bob, it’s not worth risking the fine. So, as we’re living in an age of greeness, it’s cheaper to offload the answers at a loss.

Who would want such a thing?
The random answers we sold to a load of hecklers going to a comedy club, the unintelligible ones were picked up by some bloke who likes to shout at the commuters on street corners. We got rid of the rest of them to first-time parents, kids are always asking questions, it’s easier to have a stack of answers to hand. Keeps the kid quiet.

Has anything you’ve done solved the situation?
Well yes, we’ve now got a lot more space, we’d pretty much shifted everything. Then we suddenly remembered the damp lot by the radiator, well, they’d dried out alright but they were warped. I thought we were going to have to get rid of the lot which would have wiped out all the profit but the government stepped in at the last minute and saved us.

Who paid, was it the tax payer?
I don’t know. No doubt, questions will be asked in the houses of parliament. What I do know is that you won’t get a straight answer.

mind clearance

We had a visit from the boys in blue today, they were looking for answers. I said they’d come to the right place and showed them a selection of what we had. But the coppers weren’t satisfied, apparently they weren’t the sort of answers they were looking for.

Picky sods! There was nothing wrong with these answers, maybe they were using the wrong sort of questions – me and my big mouth.

“Would you mind awfully if we
asked you some questions sir?”

What’s through that door?
’Aat back’.

What?
The warehouse: the shop is just the tip of the iceberg.

Of course, their eyes lit up then because they wanted to have an explore, didn’t they. Luckily, without the correct warrant – plus my concerns for
their wellbeing, in accordance with health & safety – meant that I couldn’t let them.

I said they had to remain in the doorway. That’s where the worst of the damp was, to be honest, it weren’t too pleasant to stand next to and they didn’t look amused. So, in the spirit of co-operation I said the Boi would
bring out front whatever they wanted from ‘aat back’.

Now, the Boi don’t like being told what to do. He’s got his own system for how he does things (I think it’s called ‘slowly’) and he can be a moody so-and-so at times – I don’t get involved, I just let him get on with it. The coppers would soon work this out.

How wrong could you be?
One of the coppers had a bit of a keen eye, the first lot of answers they pulled – suspicious:

Fertilizer, Chelsea, Tube station

The Queen, Goodbye, End of the month,

Now or never, Password, Jeremy Clarkson

I ain’t no detective, but my opinion was that these answers looked suspiciously like they were from a pub quiz. But they didn’t want opinions nor answers; now they were only after one thing – the questions. If they were expecting to find them in the same place as the answers they were very much mistaken – the Boi’s got a system, it could take years.

They took one look at the Boi’s face and realised it weren’t going to happen, they’d have to make do with what they’d got. So, they told me to watch it and were about to leave in a huff when the one with the keen eye noticed something else – an open pack of lies.

What have we here?
To tell the truth, officer, they’re lies, everything there is a lie.

That had him flummaxed.

I elaborated: white lies, harmless little white lies. See for yourself.

He did.

I weren’t kidding. The lies were completely innocent. So he knocked the box onto the floor, scattering the ‘whiter-than-white’ contents all over the dirty floor. The police left in a huff – the one that’d been idling outside.

So, a lucky escape?
You could say that. If they’d have looked a bit closer, they would have found the damned lies stacked next to the statistics. Then they would’ve ripped this place apart.

Ever had a close shave or lucky escape?
mind clearance

LOYALTY FOR FREE

Posted: May 17, 2012 by Harry Moonbeam in Early days yet...
Tags: , , , , , ,

Now there’s an old-fashioned word you don’t hear much any more. You can tell Loyalty’s an old word because it’s got two Ys in it – you don’t get many modern words with that amount of Ys. Yo-yo, for example, that was last heard of in the 50s – your modern day rappers have left out the hyphen to give ‘yo yo’ a completely different meaning.

Another thing about ‘Loyalty’ is the fact that it’s a seven letter word with three syllables which also gives the age away – in the olden days when there were less words they used to pack more syllables into them – e.g. ‘amiable’ = four syllables, compared to the modern day ‘friendly’ which only has two (and one more letter). Point proven.

loyalty card

Apply for yours today!

What is the point?
It has been suggested that we at the shop say a big thank you to all our loyal customers by offering them something in return. So, we’re giving away points.

  • Each visit = 1 point
  • For each comment 10 points.
  • Also watch out for on-the-spot
    ‘point giveaway’ promotions,

(I don’t know what these will be, I needed something else to mention, because the scheme was looking a bit pathetic with only two bullet points).

That seems too good to be true, how can you convince me?
I know, the offer seems too good to be true, you’re tempted but not yet convinced, there’s one detail missing, I forgot to mention: It’s free!

Free?
Totally.

How do I collect my points?
By joining our ‘Loyalty Card’ scheme. Sign up today! The first 100 applicants will get our exclusive platinum status account which means you can start earning points immediately.

When can I get my loyalty card?
When you apply. 

Where else can I use my loyalty card?
Only here at the moment, we tried punting the idea out to a few other sites but to be honest with you they weren’t too keen – busy with some other excuse.

What does my loyalty card get me?
The prestige of having something that is exclusive.

Is that it?
It’s as simple as that.

Biker Squid’s gone belly-up: that is in a financial, and not physical, manner – he’s the only bloke down the pub who hasn’t got a beer-belly. Come to think of it, Biker Squid’s the only bloke down the pub who isn’t a bloke – he’s a squid – I don’t know how he keeps that leather jacket on and don’t ask me how he gets served, although I suppose that’s down to the landlord, Godfrey – we’re all equal in his eyes, as long as we got the money. And Biker Squid’s loaded.
Or was.

What happened to his fortune?
This is the Biker Squid who made the millions, and more, from the printed internet phenomenon. In a way, he deserved it – it was his idea after all, but from the outset I could see it had trouble written all over it – a bad idea waiting to turn sour, but who’s going to listen to a lowly scrap mental merchant (with over 25 years experience) who runs a pokey shop when you got someone with eight arms handing out cash left, right and centre.

Did he give it all away?
Biker Squid weren’t one of these multi-billionaires who was tight with their money, never shook hands with people and only used disinfected toilet paper. No, being a creature of the sea, he liked to splash the cash. Generous he was. He didn’t really have any need for money but that didn’t stop him from making it. His aim was to generate enough wealth to buy everyone in the world a drink.

Wow!
At six billion people, that’s a lot of money and would be the biggest round anyone had ever got. Biker Squid got so wrapped up in his generosity scheme that he took his big eye off the financial ball for too long. To be honest, he was losing interest anyway. He’d already fallen into the celebrity trap – believing his own publicity. Biker Squid tried to break into films but the camera didn’t suit him, couldn’t even get a tv part, nor did he have the face for radio – the most he was offered was a bit part in a book.

Can money buy happiness?
Well, his empire was snowballing with success. The demand for his printed internet magazines kept the presses running 24/7 which didn’t matter because he owned the print shop as well. What did matter was the raw materials – paper, ergo trees.

The infamous ‘SPAM’ issue was
overloaded with junk mail

The biggest market for the magazines was amongst the indigineous village peoples of the rainforest. They had to chop down the trees; to make the paper; to print the internet magazine on; which forced the peoples off the land and into homes that actually had an internet connection which meant the magazine was useless. The whole thing was like the legend of the snake eating its own tail.

Couldn’t he have taken advice?
At this point, Biker Squid weren’t listening to anyone, he weren’t one of those multi-zillionaires that had economic advisors, pampering PAs and spiritual gurus to clean his aura – no, he did everything himself. You could say his vision was clouded by success and it was the ‘Spam’ issue that finally led to the magazine folding. Just the sheer amount of paper needed to print all those needless ads and emails. Shocking.

That was the tipping point?
The tipping point was when Biker Squid heard they were cutting down areas of rainforest the size of whales, because being a squid, he ain’t too keen on whales. It’s not that he’s scared of them, no – for an invertebrate, Biker Squid’s quite hard and he’s the only one I know who’s been tattooed with his own ink – no, he just hates whales. Being a squid means he’s impetuous.

But isn’t whale song beautiful?
He especially hates the singing, all whales think they can sing, just ‘cause they sold a few CDs. You get them in a karaoke bar you can’t get them out again, and the songs just go on and on and on – the sound travels for miles.

Up yours! Biker.

Plus, it’s not the sort of thing you want to hear when your business empire is collapsing all around you. Biker Squid had had enough, he did what any citizen would do – he called the police.

This was how the current world troubles began?
That’s how the bubble finally burst: you got the rainforest in tatters, with the indigineous peoples all hooked on booze and living in houses they don’t want, the whales are in trouble and I think that’s how the world got into recession
– Biker Squid spent all the money down the pub.

Where is he now?
We don’t see a lot of him these days, he pops up now and again. Rumour has it he’s living in a bedsit above the fish and chip shop but his luck’s changed because he’s got a role as a supporting character in a blog.

Can’t we sue him?
I don’t think blaming one individual is going to help matters. Leave him be.

What we should be more concerned about is what happened to these bad ideas. With all this cost-cutting taking place all over the globe, these austerity measures – I bet the governments ain’t disposed of these bad ideas properly. You know what that means:

It will all happen again.

If you missed Biker Squid’s original idea you can catch-up here.

As everyone knows, when you’re stripping down a mind there are seven ‘lesser known’ areas you want to be aware of. What do you think they are?

Big ideas?
Yes, most people think you should start with the big ideas, common mistake, you can’t get past the copyright these days. So unless you want to get involved in a long and expensive lawsuit, don’t touch the big ideas. Guess again.

Long term memory?
Really? Have you got enough time?

Alright, short term memory?
No, that’s no good, it’s like the ‘basket only’ check-out at the supermarket,
seven items or less.

So what’s left?
Well, there’s all the stuff that’s been forgotten but that’s like sorting through
landfill – real hard work and it can get mucky; there are some things people want
to forget – don’t go digging it up again.

Okay, I give up, what are these ‘seven areas’ of the mind?
They are:

  • First Impressions – Initial thoughts, this is where you open up files on every new experience.
  • Second Thoughts – Doubting those first impressions.
  • Third Eye – Intuition, but you sensed you knew that already.
  • Fourth Place – Not meaning just outside the medal placings but the sense of place, kind of like an internal SatNav, and just like SatNav, you don’t always end up where you want to be.
  • Fifth – Sorry, that should read filth.
  • Sixth Sense – Where you see dead people.
  • Seventh Heaven – Belief systems. They’re like fashion only more long-term, in one era, out the next: the flat earth society had nowhere else to go, witchcraft is old hat and as for numerology – its days are numbered.

Groan. I don’t think I can take anymore. Please can I interview on another blog?
What’s wrong with this one?

You! Are you ever serious about anything?
Getting paid on time.

Are we too serious about everything?

mind clearance

A lot of people say to me: “You’re in the mind business, how does it work?” So, I tell them what goes on without droning on in too much detail but I find they ain’t really interested in the actual business, what they really want to know about is the mind itself, which is very commendable. So I think what they are really asking is:

What goes on up there?
As I’ve said before, I ain’t a scientist so I can’t give you all the specifics and fancy terms in Latin – you get it as I see it. Now, everyone knows that information comes into the brain via the sensory organs – ears, eyes, nose, etc. and the raw information is processed into a format that the mind can understand, like thoughts and memories, etc. You know all that already, so I won’t bother elaborating on that aspect further.

wind turbine

A still mind creates no wind.
- Persian proverb

How does the mind store information?
A lot of people say it’s like a sponge, soaking up stuff – information filling up the holes – that’s all wrong. The sponge idea is a good image but purely metaphorical and I believe we’re trying to get to the nub of this matter, the real thing – the actual workings.

Inside the mind it’s like, well if you imagine you’re standing inside someone’s mind – someone you don’t know that is, if you stood inside that ‘person-that-you-didn’t-know’s’ mind and opened your eyes – sorry, I forgot to say you need to shut your eyes first and then open them only once you’re inside the mind to get the full effect – so, you’re in a mind, you open your eyes and you look around. What you’d see you wouldn’t understand. It’s like a complete mess.

So there’s no apparent structure to a mind?
A lot of people attribute the popular ‘four corners of the mind’ image to its structure. This couldn’t be further from the truth, there aren’t any corners – when did you last see someone with a square head? It’s like there is no front or back of the mind either – it’s all the same space with each point connected to all others.

If it’s not square, is it round?
Sort of, but not exactly, the mind is: like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel, never ending or beginning on an ever-spinning reel -“Windmills of your mind”, that song, is pretty accurate.

My head is spinning. Is it really a windmill?
No. Don’t be daft.

So if it’s not square or round or even a windmill, how does the mind work?
It’s difficult to say without getting too technical.

What if you start with a single thought?
I think that’s the phone going. You’ll have to excuse me.

The line: “Keys that jingle in your pocket, words that jangle in your head,”
That’s what it’s all about. Go on, have a Mind Clearance and jangle some words in the comments box.

mind clearance offer